I am endlessly searching. I am endlessly hungry. I am endlessly lonely. I am endlessly afraid. If I sleep, I’ll miss something. In the grasping and grabbing for the things that soak my mind, drench my heart, scratch my itch, I find it hard to settle down to rest. The only option is to crawl until exhaustion grasps the back of my head and smothers my face down into oblivion.
Sleep will have nothing to do with such raving antics.
So I found what I was looking for. I stepped away from the telescope and saw right in front of me that which I sought. My hubris, pointing far foward to unrealistic and untrue ideals. My hate, focused too far ahead on intentions that did not exist. My greed, scanning quantities beyond reasonable fulfillment. My phone and computer, telescopes into the virtual universe. Even if it means closing down the rest of this letter, if you need to, go ahead. We’ll meet again some day.
And I satisfied my hunger. Literally. I ate fat. I was filled. Satiety has little to do with how stuffed my belly is. It has so much to do with the quality of what is in there. Craving, whether it be through the mouth or the eyes or the ears, is closely tied to nutrition.
And I befriended my loneliness. I was the one I needed to get to know.
And I faced my fear. And the way to do that was to spot it. Breathed and focused until I saw it. I saw that it was easier to do away with fear once it was right there in plain view. It became pitiful when I plucked it out of the mist.
And then I was able, gently and gratefully, to rest my head down to sleep.
Sleep, in this way, is no simple task. It is a carefully engineered beauty. It must be thoughtfully pieced together. It must be given time to materialize in it’s crystalline wonder. Do not expect sleep in its full essence to come your way after disregarding it.
Cultivate it. Satisfy your cravings and identify your fears. And take rest.
One thought on “Why I Can’t Sleep”